I was on a long drive yesterday and I got the idea that God wants people to be married. Immediately, almost as soon as it came out of my mouth (I was talking to myself), I thought of a million objections and anecdotes and “how could you possibly say thats” and more. It just seemed so bold, so direct, like here are a bunch of things in life that you shouldn’t do (kill people, stick your hand in a bear trap, wear white shoes after Labor Day) and here are some things you should do (love your parents, take a hot shower after a snowball fight, get married). A
part of it seems so simplistic and natural, yet I think people have significant issues when it comes to this topic, for a wide variety of reasons. Some talk about biblical views of singleness and celibacy, some talk about not being ready for a commitment, some talk about wanting things to happen in the “right time,” and some feel they don’t have the boldness, charisma, beauty or charm to be a dashing, lifelong catch. Some in our day have even gone far enough to question why people should get married at all, calling it an antiquated tradition which has borne more hurt and pain than it ever brought joy. Some point to abuses in roles, abuses in commitment, abuses in faithfulness, even physical abuse. All of these are stated reasons why people shouldn’t get married.I think the answer to these objections is not just the presence of marriage but the presence of exemplary marriages. Stopping the traditional arrangement of marriage will not change what is fundamentally relevant to every human being. We still need relationships;
we still need to know and be known; we still need to have a place where we can sacrifice and be sacrificed for; we still place a premium on trust. I don’t see any of those things changing, no matter how modern we are. And you see clear examples all around us of people whose lives were negatively impacted and sometimes ruined because someone failed to walk in the way they were created. What if it all was as simple as “one life, one wife”? Think of the immense heartache that would dissipate if that principle were followed more closely. Think of all the infidelity, all the isolationism, all the wounded warriors wondering when their day was coming. The scope is tremendous. Why do we not want to say that godly marriage is a great answer?There are so many caveats and things that I’m not saying that I don’t even want to take the time to write them out. But there’s a place in life where you take the simplicity of an idea (much like a proverb), and you let it move you half an inch closer to the place where you know you should be. For the time being, that’s probably all it will move me, but the thought has been in my head yesterday and today. God wants a vast majority of people to be married, and it solves a million more problems than it creates. How the guys in this article can justify a Peter Pan existence is beyond me.
4 comments:
and none of this to say that people who aren't married and want to be married are doing something wrong... not at all...
the article talks about how bachelorhood for guys in their 20s/30s is so glamorized and idealized.
guys are taught to believe that they need to spend their time on beer, parties, and women. it's a very skewed message: life is great, woman after woman... none for more than one night at a time. and being married is a prison-sentence and a burden for the weak ones who succumb to it.
i don't think the issue stems from guys wanting to be in a relationship or not... but from not knowing how or wanting to be a good partner in one. the message: "men, do whatever and whomever you want, whenever you want" is the same selfish message that both men and women are receiving: this relationship (or any endeavor in life) is about me getting what i want.
many people have been raised to be selfish. "if it isn't fun, don't do it." "if it isn't giving me what i need, go find something/someone else." "i shouldn't have to do any work to get what i want." (hello, i work with teenagers, i see this and battle with it everyday!)
people don't invest in other people, they withdraw what they need and move on. so, it can be really hard to teach yourself to be loving, kind, patient, faithful.... AND find someone who's willing to match you on that.
and therefore the perception of marriage being miserable is a reality for many people. not because marriage itself is flawed, but both people in it aren't demonstrating biblical, unconditional love: patience, kindness, endurance, trust, no jealousy or rudeness or pride or selfishness or grudges.
I thought a lot about your first point when I was driving in the car. I do agree in a lot of cases, but there are some people who (maybe even inadvertantly) disqualify themselves from marriage because of some of the reasons that I listed. They could be waiting for the "right time," or they want the situation to look different than it does, or they don't feel confident, beautiful, dashing, romantic, experienced, etc. enough. Some people want to be happily married and wish it would happen, but through their perceptions and attitudes they limit their willingness to look or continue to hold our for what must certainly be a "better" situation. I think our attitudes toward marriage and the examples we've seen through our lives subtly affect our preparedness, our expectations for it to happen this way or that way, and some may just be more programmed to either choose shallower relationships with less commitment, or through an honest fear of wanting to get it "right," withhold from any potential relationship and then vocalize their frustrations and justifications. "Well God, why hasn't it happened yet?" "Well, I guess I'm just embracing singleness now." For some people, those are legitimate emotions and I'm by no means talking down to them. But for others, those aren't the main issues. That isn't what their heart really wants. They do want to be married, and if they prepared themselves to act on those desires (in a godly way of course), they might not find life as frustrating or incomplete, and they certainly might not have to "settle" for what their heart knows is clearly second or third best.
I know there are a lot of people who find the whole topic of relationships frustrating and painful. It's a very common experience, one that we all have probably walked through at some point in our lives. My thought with this lesson is that some people have taken that frustration and used it to justify giving up on God's design for relationships and marriage, even calling it an antiquated tradition in need of revising. When people make those kinds of decisions, whatever their response (numerous relationships, no relationships, unwillingness to commit or sacrifice, etc.), they miss something that was designed to give them joy, peace and security. And the world loses a willing person that it needs to serve as an example of what godly love looks like. I know there are girls crying out, "Where are all the godly men?" I'm with them. I'm not looking down on them. I'm asking the same question. Where are the guys who are ready to stand up and be the husbands they're called to be? Why are they perpetuating so much hurt and frustration in the world through their unwillingness to commit?
Godly marriages fill the world with the more trust and more hope than the most active cohabitants ever could. There's a design involved, and not walking in that design hurts us all.
I look at the guys at work and see their lives. Quite a few of the younger ones are on the "kidult" track in life with constant parties, getting off of work at 7:00 am, driving up to Spotted Horse to drive 4-wheelers before coming home to grab an hour or two of sleep and back to work, all with plenty of liquid courage added. The ones who seem to be getting some semblance of order back in their lives are the ones who have chosen to take the dive and get married. They do like to talk of the old times and strut and boast of conquests made, but they would not give up what they have now to go back to that.
There is a sadness, an almost jealousy on the part of the bachelors as they try to show just how much fun they are having while they watch their former cohort settle in to a more normal straight life type of future. Sure the now married guys tell of how their "old ladies" won't let them do this or that, but they seem to like to have that control or reason to back out of that type of lifestyle without having to personally stand up to or alienate their buddies.
Personally, I spent a lot of money on important things like eating out before I got married. Made lots and spent lots and not much to show for it so being married has been good for me financially and many other ways as the article states.
In 2 weeks it will be 33 years that I have been married. It has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It's been a lot of work (yeah, that's right it's work because I am stubborn!) but it has been worth every minute. I can think of no one who I'd rather be with than my husband. I thank God every day for him.
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