confessions of busyness

contrary to a former self, i've found in recent years, that i'm drawn to the busy, hurried life of a full schedule and lots of responsibilities (because who am i kidding - if i'm not teaching, coaching, or cleaning up, i'm probably not coming!) i used to be very lazy, i didn't let anyone rope me into helping or taking part... i had lot of tv to watch and naps to take. (don't worry, i still do both of those things, much to the dismay of my house that's not being cleaned - by me, baj cleans more than i do!)

i don't know what it is about busyness that has drawn me in... it could be that i get new stuff to complain about: "i'm just so busy, i have so much to do." some say it's to make us feel important: "i have to be there to do this or things don't happen," or "they'll notice if i'm not there to do my job!" when i have other stuff to do, it's easier to tell people: "no, i can't help you with that." it's like a built-in excuse.

today, and in recent weeks, i've been reading articles (and an actual book. yes, you read that right) about things like prayer, busyness, sadness, and spiritual growth. i like reading multiple snippets/articles from different authors about certain topics in order to see what common themes come out. [i do the same with bible verses - i look up key words and search verses and chapters that talk about them. i post some here: tiffkin.blogspot.com]

[i should qualify that... in accord with my later points in this blog, i'm reading these articles during work. but the book i read on my lunch break - when i'm not running errands or running home to nap.]

quotes from these articles...
Kierkegaard is quoted: "The press of busyness is like a charm... Its power swells."

Carl Jung wrote, "Hurry is not of the devil; hurry is the devil."

"The great danger is not that we will renounce our faith. It is that we will become so rushed and preoccupied that we will settle for a mediocre version of it." (i don't know who wrote this, but it wasn't the author of the article i read it in - it's quoted frequently.)

from my readings, i'm starting to realize that sometimes (ok, most of the time) i short-change people by having too many distractions in my mind when i'm with them, or by doubling up my calls/emails/conversations with other activities, or by spending too much time talking (and thinking) about myself or my advice or comments.

the other night, for example, i was trying to fix an issue with my laptop, the guy from dell was remotely accessing my computer (and taking a loooong time), so i called my mom. i didn't wait for a time when i had all my attention to make a personal phone call (yes, of course, the tv was on too), but rather, i tried to cram it in when i was waiting for something else. whether it's trying to multi-task relationships or failing to focus on people around me without embarking on self-serving stories, comments, advice, or making mental lists while i "listen," i find myself very distracted much of the time.

i work for some serious multi-taskers in my multiple jobs (work, cheer, church). and i've convinced myself that i'm letting them down by not filling my schedule full - i must prove that i am taking on as many possible responsibilities as i can or i can't possibly express exhaustion or the need for a break. i mean, these people know about being busy - "see, here's how i'm just as busy as you guys...."

i like my jobs, though. i like my regular job (although it's kinda low on my list of priorities, but also low on my list of take-away stresses, so that's good). i love coaching (i'm a cheer nerd, what can i say?) i love teaching sunday school. i love the youth group. i love serving in the nursery. and i have carefully chosen all of these jobs. i like all of them. i do them because i like to. but, i just don't always have time left for anything else like: rest, spending time with baj when i don't have cheers and stunts and drama running (sprinting) through my head, naps, tv, cleaning, reading, spending time with students or friends or family. i have a lot of things pulling me in a 100 directions. by the time i get home at night, i can't even think straight. i can't even imagine standing up long enough to put away the dishes (thank you thank you, baj, for picking up my slack - it's a significant amount of slack!)

i keep saying, "as soon as we're finished with cheer competitions, life will slow back down. november will be better." and i know this is true time-wise, but i really hope it is mind-wise. i'd like to re-learn to let things go (like i used to), to let things roll off of me instead of internalizing and agonizing about what happens, what doesn't happen, what might happen. i'd like to be able to wind-down easier.

and sometimes i think i just need a vacation or some time away... but i know coming back to the same life and the same jobs (or even if i had all new ones) means that i'll fall right back into the same patterns. it's not just my circumstances that need to change, it's my mind.

the New Living Translation of Romans 12:2 is this: "let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think."

i spend plenty of time in my own head. i can go an entire 8-hour work day without talking to anyone around me (other than on email or "hi how are you"). i'm in my head all day and sometimes that sends me far from reality and takes me out of touch with life around me. even teaching and coaching separates me from connecting with individuals... i'm in front, shouting out orders or information or instructions, and i'm disconnected. i'm talking and not interacting. it's protective; teaching, coaching, and instructing certainly take a certain type of energy... but it's neat and tidy. it's from 4:45 to 7 on week nights, it's from 10:10 to 10:55 on sunday mornings... when the clock strikes, it's over, good-bye. connecting with people takes time. it takes investment, it takes a different type of energy that i struggle to find. it takes selfless-ness. it takes restraint from advice-giving, instruction, distractions. it takes compassion. the more time i spend in my own head, reliving my concerns, my stresses, my pain... the less capacity i have for compassion. i need to shift the way i've been functioning for several years.

God, transform me. change my mind. renew me. the more time i spend seeking God, the more i realize that i have a lot of changes to make. so i thank God for His grace. i pray for strength and wisdom. and for a softened heart. i pray that the time i spend in the bible can translate into truth in my words and compassion in my heart.

next step... how not to turn "compassion" into game of trying to gather affirmation from others: "hey, i just spent all this time investing in you, why aren't you thanking me!?" unconditional love... whew. only through God's grace.